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| 001.
imagine if you suddenly learned that the people, the places, the moments most important to you were not gone, not dead, but worse, had never been. what kind of hell would that be?
002.
don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention just simply because you're lonely. loneliness is the human condition. no one is ever going to fill that space. no matter how badly you might want them to.
003.
i couldn't understand the beginning until i had reached the end. there were too many pieces of the puzzle missing, too much you would never tell. i could sell these things. people want to buy them, but i'd set all this on fire first. she'd like that, that's what she would do. she'd make it just to burn it. i couldn't afford this one, but the beginning deserves something special. but how do i show that nothing, not a taste, not a smell, not even the color of the sky, has ever been as clear & sharp as it was when i belonged to her. i don't know who to express the being with someone so dangerous is the last time i felt safe.
004.
they must think, "what is worse: not being loved or not loving anything at all?" wake up! i hope you ignite what thrives inside. break through. you've got to find a way to feel alive.
005.
i've been swallowed by this wreck that you call your life. i'm damaged from the inside. i've been broken. don't threaten me with what you think i feel. if you could read my mind, you'd be in tears.
006.
some people feel like they don't deserve love. they walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.
007.
i want to know what it's like to be awkward & innocent, not belligerent. i want to know how it feels to be useful & pertinent & have common sense. let me into the club, cause i'd like to belong. if memory serves, i'm addicted to words & they're useless.
008.
the ocean floor begins to disappear; i sense that terrible depth. the open water is my only fear, but i'll sail as long as i still have breath in me. i'm starting to believe the ocean's much like you, cause it gives, it takes away.
009.
how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again?
010.
to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.
011.
when you have reached the point where you no longer expect a response, you will at last be able to give in such a way that the other is able to receive, and be grateful. when love has matured and through a dissolution of the self into light, become a radiance, then the lover will be liberated from dependence upon the beloved, and the beloved also be made perfect by being liberated from the lover.
012.
when two people meet & fall in love, there's a sudden rush of magic. magic is just naturally present then. we tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make anymore. one day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. we hustle to get it back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it up. what we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. it's hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay.
013.
people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, & that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, & then leave. a soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate & out of control that you have to transform your life.
014.
calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of lover & trust. if he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. & it's cold outside.
015.
no matter how powerful & real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully & honestly return them & therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. i get it, i get, i get it. but still i have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse. life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. you deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
016.
i got to you, there was nothing left. what's the meanest you can be to the one you claim to love & still smile to your new found friends? in the same confusing breath, you pull away & draw me in. i wanted you. you wanted me more.
017.
you love me so much that it's killing us both.
018.
how can i save you when i couldn't save a dime? i'm sorry but it's true. i want to call you & tell you that i'm a fan. all my friends know better but i can't quite hear them. still for the life of me i can't imagine our home. good things, that's all i want. hold me. set me free. it's all i want from you. it's sad & it's so true.
019.
been hearing about you. all about your disapproval. still, remember the way i used to move you. i wrote you a letter. i heard it just upset you. why don't you tell me how can i do this better?
020.
lets face it: i'm scared, scared & frozen. first, i guess i'm afraid for myself. the old primitive urge for survival. it's getting so i live every moment with terrible intensity. it all flowered over me with a screaming ache of pain. remember, remember this is now, and now, and now. live it, feel it, cling to it. i want to become acutely aware of all i've taken for granted. when you feel that this may be goodbye, the last time, it hits you harder.
021.
there is something demoralizing about watching two people get more & more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. it's like watching paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction - every second the city gets smaller & smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller & smaller & lonelier & lonelier, rushing away from all those lights & excitement at about a million miles an hour.
022.
i don't understand what i'm fumbling after. you're the reason i cannot forget this season.
023.
for all the things i said to him & all the ways i tried. & all the things i did for him, they're lost with one goodbye.
024.
people love to drink their troubles away. sometimes i feel that i'd be better off that way. maybe then i could sleep at night. i wouldn't lie awake until the morning light. this is something that i'll never control. my nerves will be the death of me, i know, i know.
025.
yesterday around 4am, i thought about you for a minute or two. i know it's no good to. but i feel so lonely sleeping without you. how come your arms are not around me? remember, i said i'm the one, the one to hold you. but i guess he said that too.
026.
when you look back now was it special? or was it nothing but anecdote that you can tell now & then. i delude myself if it was worth it. even though from the beginning, i could see exactly how it would end. that there'd be torn up photos & lonely nights, cursing crying & drawn out fights. make up sex & a brand new start. broken promises for broken hearts.
027.
it's only just a crush, it'll go away. it's just like all the others, it'll go away. or maybe this is danger & you just don't know. you pray it all away but it just continues to grow.
028.
his heart will stop at the sight of you, or he doesn't deserve to live. & yes, i am aware of the contradiction embodied in that sentence.
029.
i wish i could rip out a page of my memory cause i put too much energy in him & me. can't wait till i get through this phase cause it's killing me; too bad we can't re-write our own history.
030.
maybe mistakes are what make our fate. without them what would shape our lives? maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies or be who we are. after all, things change, people come into your life & they go. but it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart.
031.
risk more than others think is safe. care more than others think is wise. dream more than others think is practical. & expect more than others think is possible.
032.
someone will always catch you when you fall, & it won't be who you thought it would be. the people that love you most might watch you fall, wait, & congratulate you when you find your own way back up. this doesn't mean they love you less, they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.
033.
there's only so much you can do before you stop & realize it's over. the problem we have is we hate giving up. it's a sign of weakness & nobody likes to be weak; but sometimes giving up will show that you have the strength to move on. it's letting go of something when you know it's near the end.
034.
& i hope it makes you jealous when you see me holding his hand. & i hope it makes you squirm when he hugs me in the halls. & i hope you stare right at us when he kisses me & i kiss him back. & i hope you finally miss me when you realize that i'm over you.
035.
your love is nothing i can't fight. can't sleep with the man who dims my shine.
036.
i'm in the bedroom with tissues & when - i know you're outside but i won't let you in.
037.
cause it's a hard life, with love in the world. & i'm a hard girl loving me is like chewing on pearls.
038.
i miss the simplicity of just being without trying, while everyone else was striving to be someone. i miss being accepted for who i am with you. i miss how it was natural to hold your hand. how we could feel each other smiling between kisses. how even when i asked for space, you knew enough to never leave. now that you're gone, i seem to have more space than i know what to do with.
039.
taking everything for granted but we still respect the time. we move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine. & i would wait & watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines.
040.
at last i can see life has ben patiently waiting for me. & i know there's no guarantees, but i'm not alone. there comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by. & i have made up my mind that those days are gone.
041.
here comes the cold. break out the winter clothes & find a love to call your own. when it comes to december it's obvious why no one wants to be alone at christmas time. in the dark, on the phone. you tell me the names of your brothers & your favorite colors. i'm learning you.
042.
i love the feeling after a good run. or the feeling when my favorite song is on full blast in the car, driving through the country air. i like when my mom makes my favorite meal. i like traveling to nowhere, getting lost, and then the best part, being found. i like being held by someone who means a lot to me, especially when i haven't seen them in a while. we always complain there isn't enough time. or that these moments never come around enough. it's true that we never stop growing old, & we mature faster than we'd like. but time is the essence of life, & it brings change & surprise. i like watching the people i care for get older, change, become who they're suppose to be. sometimes we all wish to go back, to repeat a moment, or pause it forever. but we need change, even when we don't want it. the cards are place and time brings us closer to our destination. all the while we travel through: the things we love doing, the people we share our life with, that's the destiny. we're not suppose to end up anywhere, we're suppose to make the best of the journey.
043.
you know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? all of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. you'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day & it's gone. you feel like you can never get it back. it's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. you won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. i don't know, but i miss the idea of it, you know. maybe that's all family really is. a group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
044.
this isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... i'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, i'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause i'm, i'm, i'm worried that if i don't figure myself out, if i don't go like land on my own two feet, then i'm just going to mess this whole thing up, & this is too important. i gotta go. you changed my life in four days. this is the beginning of something really big. but right now, i gotta go.
045.
i have found it easier to identify with the characters who verge upon hysteria, who were frightened of life, who were desperate to reach out to another person. but those seemingly fragile people are the strong people really.
046.
i don't do crowds, i'd like to have company during thunderstorms, i'd like you to fall for me but it would soon turn lousy & wrong. i meant what i said, i don't want money, i just want to be wonderful.
047.
he combs his fingers through his thick curls, which i know he does when he is thinking. i find i've missed that. i've missed him. & that is enough to open up that hole again.
048.
things that are a waste of time: reheated pancakes, alcoholic free drinks, falling in love.
049.
i want to grow old without facelifts. i want to have the courage to be loyal to the face i've made. sometimes i think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? you never wholly know you.
050.
i would kiss you everyday & tell you, you don't have to be anybody. because i should know that being somebody doesn't make you anybody at all.
051.
cause there's a switch that gets hit & it all stops making sense. & in the middle of drinks, maybe the fifth or the sixth, i'm completely alone at a table of friends. i feel nothing for them. i feel nothing, nothing.
052.
i had forgotten what it felt like to find someone you can't get enough of.
053.
"i don't want to lose you." his voice almost a whisper. seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand & squeezed it. then reluctantly let it go. she could feel the tears again, & she fought them back. "but you don't want to keep me, either, do you?" to that, he had no response.
054.
she was often restless to the point of irritability. she simply like to feel that she was prevented from leaving, that she was needed.
055.
the kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm & the suns coming up. the day has just begun & you're already bored. bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down. bored of drying my eyes. but there was once a time when you were the one. you were the one, the blue of the sky. you came after the storm. you were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall i'm still fumbling for.
056.
you like it better when we're wasted cause it's less complicated. but when the drugs are gone & faded, i look at your face & hate it.
057.
i'm rethinking everything i thought was solid.
058.
he gave me that night back & this time, i told you the truth. we talked & held each other till the sun came up. & as i went to hell, the devil asked me if it was worth it. i said, "yes. yes it was."
059.
after awhile, you learn that you don't need anyone else in order to survive. no one is ever going to always be there, no matter what they say or what they promise you. you just gotta suck it up, & accept it.
060.
nervous & you're tearing at the seams. the lights are too bright & you've got cold feet. you look the part & you're only seventeen. can you drag me up & show me what we're missing out on. don't waste your time. we've heard it all before. we've had enough & hangers on & "friends" we didn't want.
061.
why do we miss a person? it's either because we realize that we never treasured the moments when they were always there & it left us wishing we could turn back time again. or we were too happy with them, we enjoyed every single moment, that we became so used to the idea of having them around.
062.
i think everybody needs a place to go when things become too much. a place where the world is the way you want it to be & if you had a choice, it's how you would've created it.
063.
been through a lot in the last year, it's like everything i love is slipping away. & every time i come home, some more of me isn't there. i gotta get it together, i need to do things for myself. i've given everything but still you take more from me. i need some room to breathe.
064.
everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight.
065.
i tried to think of what to say upon return from my time away but all i know is that they say, "where there's smoke there's fire", but i say, "where's there's love there's liars."
066.
"i want to know what you see when you look at me." his fingers dug into my shoulders. "i want to know your favorite stooge & the hour you were born & the thing that scares you more than anything else in the world. i want to be there when you wake up."
067.
i take a breath & grab the phone, secretly hoping you're not home. i'd leave a message, i was out; out of my mind on drink & drugs.
068.
you don't need to know any of this but the things i don't reveal are the things i hold closest & fear losing the most. i work overtime keeping them veiled & camouflaged. you don't need to know that i walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, & that i have been doing that for my entire life.
 | | |
| 
001.
i'm afraid of time. i mean, i'm afraid of not having enough time. not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. i'm afraid of the quick judgments or mistakes everybody makes. you can't fix them without time. i'm afraid of seeing snapshots, not movies.
002.
i am always sad, i think. perhaps this signifies that i am not sad at all, because sadness is something lower than your normal disposition, & i am always the same thing. perhaps i am the only person in the world, then, who never becomes sad. perhaps i am lucky.
003.
so it seems we're incomplete. we are songs with no sound. so it seems the ship has sailed but that captain's left town. it's not improbable, just plain impossible. i can't take you seriously now.
004.
i knew that there were no guarantees. no way of knowing what came next for me, for him, or anybody. some things don't last forever, but some things do. like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out & unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners & peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.
005.
i thought i was in love once. & then later i thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance. in the end i realized i'd learned two things. the first is, that it's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone, & the second is that it's very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air. well, i also learned that i should have my ears checked more regularly.
006.
don't find love; it'll find you. that's why they call it "falling in love", you don't force yourself to fall, you just do.
007.
it's not that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. sinners can surprise you. & the same is true for saints, why do we try to define people as simply good or evil? because no one wants to admit that compassion & cruelty can live side by side in one heart. & that anyone is capable of anything.
008.
it's almost as if these words were written for you. but for my sake, i hope you never read them.
009.
this isn't torture. torture happens in small, dark rooms in countries with names you struggle to spell. this is just mildly unpleasant. this isn't heroism. heroism happens in churches that are also schools, performed by teachers with no names & no place to stay. this is just a good deed for the day. this isn't loss. loss happens on fields filled with poppies, in hospitals buzzing with flies, in distant deserts & late at night when there's no good reason for the phone to ring. this is just longing. this isn't important. important happens on bended knees & is breathed on last breaths with hands clutched tight, hearts tighter. this is just a distraction.
010.
it's strange how the shortest words; yes & no are the ones that take the most thought.
011.
one day i'm going to look back on today & realize how stupid of a teenager i was. how shallow people could be. & i'm going to realize that if i could do it all over again, i'd make the same choices. because come to think of it, i've learned a lot.
012.
i want to bust the world wide open the way you do when you're filled with youth. i want to engage with lovers & people & fellow cops. i want to be physical & i also want to ask the big questions. i want to taste the tastes & fix the problems. i want to run headlong into chaos & bad guys & darkness & friends & fun & laugh, laugh, laugh. i want to be the best friend & i want to be the greatest aunt & the most complicated daughter. i want to be the mystery in the room & i want to be known.
013.
i shut my eyes & try to get your image out of my mind tonight. i know you're no good for me but it feels just right.
014.
sometimes you love, & you learn, you move on. & that's okay.
015.
i find it easier to sit & stare, than push my limbs out towards you right there. my heart is bursting in your perfect eyes, as blue as oceans & as pure as skies.
016.
when there has been so much love & happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives, for moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief & sadness. & while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, & the sun will shine on us again. & in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. a future of exciting challenges & infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow.
017.
i think that when you are young, you are hoping that this person will be the right one, the one you are going to be in love with forever. but sometimes you want this so much, you create something that isn't really there.
018.
i am finding out that maybe i was wrong. that i've fallen down, & i can't do this alone. stay with me. this is what i need. please? i am nothing now, & it's been so long. since i've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope. this heart, it beats, beats for only you. my heart is yours. please don't go now. please don't fade away.
019.
the night life, the high life; she just wants a good life. so someone remembers her too.
020.
i've figured out my situation. i am an endless source of useless information. give me bad news cause it's already been expected. i let my front down & i know i will regret it.
021.
& there is nothing more i want than just one night that's free of doubt & sadness. one night that i can really feel.
022.
the world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. on occasion, some may be correct. but do not do their work for them. seek any jobs; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. don't take it personally when they say no, they may not be smart enough to say yes.
023.
i listened to your texts, your singing, your hopes, your desires, your music. you listened to mine. my italian, my german, a bit of russian. i gave you a walkman. you gave me a pillow. & one day, you kissed me. time went by, time flew & everything seemed so easy, so simple, so free, so new, so unique. we went to the movies, we went dancing, we went shopping, we laughed, you cried, we swam, we smoked, we shaved, sometime for no reason, or for a reason. yes, sometimes for a reason. i brought you to the academy, i studied for my exams, i listened to your singing, to your hopes, your desires, your music. you listened to mine. we were close, so close, ever so close. we went to the movies, we swam, we laughed. you screamed, sometimes for a reason & sometimes without. time went by, time flew by.
024.
listen. there are times when life calls out for a change. a transition. like the seasons. our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now & we missed out on autumn. & now all of a sudden, it's cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. our love fell asleep, & the snow took it by surprise. but if you fall asleep in the snow, you don't feel death coming.
025.
there were things i wanted to tell him but i knew they would hurt him. so i buried them & let them hurt me instead.
026.
you can be lighthearted, but you can't be funny. you can make a struggle, but you won't make money. you can scream, but you can't be loud. you might smile, but you can't act proud.
027.
when you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. it isn't happening anymore. when you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up & throw your past in the trash can, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.
028.
& sometimes hurt is not of the body. more often it is words, or lack thereof. a lack of words. the cruelty of silence.
029.
do you know what happens when you hurt people? when you hurt people, they begin to love you less. that's what careless words do. they make people love you a little less.
030.
did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? if you were suddenly gone, how would your world react? whatever you imagined is wrong. there's nothing romantic about death. grief is like the ocean. it's deep & dark & bigger than all of us. & pain is like a thief in the night. quiet. persistent. unfair. diminished by time & faith & love.
031.
i don't understand the human heart. only pain makes it grow stronger. only sorrow makes it kind. contentment makes it wither, & joy seems to build walls around it. the heart is perverse, & it is cruel, i hate the heart & it seems to hate me.
032.
oh i wish for a long, laughing, rambling phone message in which every person this person has ever known is talking on a speakerphone & they are all saying, "you have passed the test, we were only kidding, real life is so much better than that.
033.
& i hate the fact that my heart doesn't grow & i hate the smell of cigarette smoke. & i hate old movies unless they make me cry & i hate the jerk that you've turned out to be. & i hate the sand that holds back the seas & i hate the fact that you don't love me for me.
034.
no, i don't do drugs anymore, either. but i'll tell you something about drugs. i used to do drugs, but i'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, & i know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: i had a great time doing drugs. sorry. never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, & went about my day.
035.
because of reality television, everyone imagines they can just be a fashion designer, photographer, or model, that's not the way things go. learn your craft.
036.
in a way, it was sort of depressing too. because you kept wondering what the hell would happen to all if them. when they got out of school & college, i mean. you figured most of them would probably marry dopey guys. guys that always talk about how many miles they get to a gallon in their goddamn cars. guys that get sore & childish as hell if you beat them at golf, or even just some stupid game like ping-pong. guys that are very mean. guys that never read books. guys that are very boring.
037.
who put this brain inside of me? it cries. it demands. it says that there is a chance. it will not say "no".
038.
you ever feel you were meant to be alone? because i saw a play & a character said that he was destined to never feel at home.
039.
have i ever told you before, i think you're beautiful when you're sleeping? after some time it's something i find true. love's not a grave, it shouldn't decay on you.
040.
i'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me. i'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me. i'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me. & i love you so much, i'm gonna let you kill me.
041.
i'm trying, i need more time. you've gone, i'm just sitting here. you didn't say anything at all. i've got a thousand words for not missing you. don't worry, i'm not going to call. i tell myself i'll forget you. oh, trust me. i will.
042.
imagine the worst things you think about yourself. now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?
043.
you're not my favorite mistake. you're just a simple regret. i thought i knew who you were, but watch how fast & watch how well i forget.
044.
magic wishes come from money, prince charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut & overpriced clothes. & true love? ha, true love is one-sided, ace. you lover her, she loves someone else. she loves you, you love someone else. never quite works out does it? so you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'if you wish, it'll happen.' well, wish in one hand & crap in the other & see which one fills up faster. welcome to reality. enjoy your stay.
045.
the truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, & never explained.
046.
i start to think there is really no cure for depression: that happiness is an ongoing battle & i wonder if it isn't one i have to fight for as long as i live. i wonder if it's worth it.
047.
i did not know how i could reach him, where i could overtake him & go on hand in hand with him once more. it is such a secret place, the land of tears.
048.
silence is not golden. it's fucking horrible.
049.
this is what i know about love, that it is tested ever day, & what is not renewed is lost. one either chooses to care more or to care less. once the choice is to care less, then there is no stopping the momentum of goodbye.
050.
there were things i wanted to tell him but i knew they would hurt him. so i buried them & let them hurt me instead.
051.
i'm a mountain that has been moved. i'm a river that is all dried up. i'm an ocean nothing floats on. i'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in. i'm a sun that doesn't burn hot. i'm a moon that never shows it face. i'm a mouth that doesn't smile. i'm a word that no one ever wants to say.
052.
& i feel like i'm standing in the center of a snow globe that some seven year old kid will not stop shaking. i feel like everything around me is going 105 miles an hour, & i'm just stuck standing n the middle of traffic.
053.
but it doesn't feel right holding someone else's hand. together on phone lines & living at two opposite ends. but it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me & better than me.
054.
i wanna go through something incredible with you, like in the movies, so i would know you could handle it. i would give the world for you to grow up a little.
055.
it's kind of like the difference between putting your hand on your knee, & him putting his hand on your knee. when you touch your knee, you don't feel it, nothing happens, it's just there. but when he has his hand there, you feel everything. every move of his palm, every squeeze of his hand, & every brush of his finger. & you feel it right down to your toes & up to your neck. everything in your body tingles, but it's the most wonderful thing ever. every move he makes, he makes a difference.
056.
if you love somebody, let them go. for if they return, they were always yours. & if they don't, they never were.
057.
i'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but i don't know where i am. i wish that i could move but i'm exhausted & nobody understands. i'm trying hard to breathe now, but there's no air in my lungs. there's no one here to talk to when the pain inside is making me numb.
058.
i'm the sort of person that's always dwelling on the destination rather than the journey. even when i'm in a great situation there's always this moving thought that it all is going to have to end.
059.
you can walk into a room & spot them. they seem fine when you talk to them but every now & again, across the room, you catch them looking off into the distance at an invisible point that maybe, they once reached. they laugh a little different. they hesitate a little more. now they know what it feels like. & something about their eyes when they listen to music says, 'turn it up until my ears bleed, let it be the last thing i hear.'
060.
i have to ask you a question. it's a good one so think about it. if two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
061.
too often we sit back & take what life gives us. like holding a bad hand of cards, always folding instead of raising the stakes. never wanna bluff & go for it, afraid that you'll lose all you've got. but you can't win big if you don't bet big.
062.
knowing can be a curse on a persons life. i'd traded in a pack of lies for a pack of truth, & i didn't know which one was heavier. which one took the most strength to carry around? it was a ridiculous question though, because once you know the truth, you can't ever go back & pick up your suitcase of lies. heavier or not, the truth is yours now.
063.
i miss you even more than i could have believed. & i was prepared to miss you a good deal. so this letter is just really a sequel of pain. it is incredible how essential to me you have become.
064.
there's always going to be an occasional night when you break down & cry, because you know things will never be the same.
065.
i guess by now i should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone, you just learn to live around the huge gaping hold of their absence.
066.
i wish that everyone was a different color. & when you find the other person that's the same color as you, then you know he's your soul mate. there will be people close to your color along the way, but only one person who's truly the same color.
067.
if you hear a song that makes you cry & you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. but you can't get away from yourself. you can't decide not to see yourself anymore. you can't decide to turn off the noise in your head.
068.
i wonder when, when i'll finally understand. why time can wash away love like it was made of sand. & it's wonderful the pain that comes with regret. sometimes you have to see the beauty in all of this loneliness. the streetlights flicker, & they fade, like every good intention that i've had.
069.
driving slowly, watching the headlights in the rain. funny how things change. think of the good times. wishing you were still with me. the way it used to be.
070.
the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, & the future less resolved than it will be.
071.
you can't dwell on what might have been & it's not fair to condemn him for something he hasn't done.
072.
just hear this, & then i'll go. you gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know.
073.
oh my god, this hurts like hell. & how am i supposed to tell myself that if i keep singing my way through this that one day i'll be fine? one day, i'll be fine. one good thing about the road is that it opens up your eyes. it will make you miss your home & everything that flies in your heart will be as clear as all of heaven's days. cause i believe that you're not gone. you're right here.
074.
i was happy, but happy is an adult word. you don't have to ask a child about happy, you see it. they are or they are not. adults talk about being happy because largely they are not. talking about it is the same as trying to catch the wind. much easier to let it blow all over you.
075.
how fast can you have your bags packed? i'm ready to blow this town. cause this feeling is getting too hard to explain. & when it seems like months that you & i have been away from each others arms, it's only been days. & i count down seconds till these plane rides will save me from a feeling i feel that's certainly made me. oh, you know it's certainly made me too upset to describe how when i close my eyes, you're sitting right beside me on this bed here tonight.
076.
god, my fingers burn now when i think of touching your hair. you have changed so much that i don't know if i can call you & tell you i care. & i would love to bring you down, plant your feet back on the ground.
077.
i thought you said that you'd come find me. i thought you said you'd be home by now. i heard you say that you'd come back here. so i wrote to remind you somehow.
078.
sometimes, the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary simply by doing them with the right people.
079.
you make me breakfast in bed when i'm mixed up in my head. you wake me with a kiss. i could get used to this. you think i look best when my hair is a mess. i can't believe you exist. i could get used to this. because i know you're too good to be true; i must have done something good to meet you.
080.
you've become a piece of me. makes me sick to even think of morning waking up alone, searching for you in my sheets. don't fade away from me.
081.
wasn't it me you didn't want? wasn't it me who was hanging on? now i'm done but before i go i want you to know; that this is how it feels. when you wait for a call that never comes. are you waking up cause you miss someone? this is how it feels when the trust you had is broken, & your left to burn with your heart wide open.
082.
now everybody's got the game figured out all wrong. i guess you never really know what's you've got till it's gone. i guess this is why i'm here & i can't come back home.
083.
i listen for the sound of peace but it's nowhere to be found.
084.
people think that if you love somebody hard enough, then everything is just going to work out. well, people are wrong.
085.
if she's amazing, she won't be easy. if she's easy, she won't be amazing. if she's worth it, you won't give up. if you give up, you're not worthy.
086.
sometimes you just gotta figure: if he doesn't care you might be missing out on someone who does.
087.
i wish that my head was my own notebook. i wish every single one of my thoughts were written down. okay, it doesn't have to be a notebook. it can be an air sick bag for all i care. i am this person inside my head i could only dream to be. she's so open, so alive, she's so thoughtful & she is brilliant. she dreams of things i can't imagine on seeing. she sees colors, not words or people. she sees rainbows of colors. she is life. she breathes flowers & exhales master pieces of art. she excels in education, music, and art. she is the person i can only be in my head. i'll keep here there. she's safe there. she hasn't been hurt, she hasn't seen pain. in my eyes, there's still hope for her. i bet her heart is full of love & compassion. the kind of compassion that's been torn from my eyes, my heart, and my finger tips. her lips are untouched & so soft. i could only imagine what she is capable of. i'd probably hate her is she was real. i'd probably find some reason to hate her. & i'm probably tear her, from limb to limb. i'd make her cry, just to watch her mascara run. but, i bet even then, make up smeared, eyes red & puffy, i bet even then she's still beautiful.
088.
just for a minute, forget what's coming tomorrow.
089.
things don't get lost if they don't have value. you don't miss what you don't care about.
090.
he taught me how to trust myself. he taught me that i should love every flaw. he taught me that no matter what, i should just make a decision & jump, & not regret it.
091.
the hurt began to fade & it was easier to just let go. at least i thought it was. but in every boy i met in the next few years, i found myself looking for you, & when the feelings got too strong i'd write you another letter. but i never sent them, in fear of what i might find. by then, you'd gone on with your life & i didn't want to think about you loving someone else. i wanted to remember us like we were that summer. i didn't want to ever forget that.
092.
you can't live your life for other people. you've got to do what's right for you. even if it hurts some people you love.
093.
the best friends are the ones that you don't have to talk to everyday. who understand why you didn't take their advice not to call him, or why you keep going back to him again. the ones who call you at 4am to let you know they're drunk, who listen when they've heard the same story a thousand times, the ones who call just to say hi. & whether you're dancing on the table or passed out drunk, they'll turn & say, "hell yeah, that's my best friend."
094.
if we all threw our problems in a pile & saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
095.
you know, sometimes i sit & think about everything we've been through & what we've done. & i think that if i were to have done it with someone else, it wouldn't have meant as much.
096.
letting go isn't a one time thing; it's something you do everyday, over & over again.
097.
you will never know how it feels to have the one person who means everything to you, make you feel like you're nothing.
098.
this is how it always works, boy lets go of girl, then when it's too late, he finally realizes what he let go.
099.
the worst isn't wen you are in love with someone who doesn't love you back the worst is when you are in love with somebody who used to love you.
100.
i need some kind of sign to show me that this is worth it. that forgetting about him is worth it.
101.
& i just thought that you should know that i've been holding on while you've been letting go.
102.
knowing that something won't happen won't make you want it less.
103.
we got older, but we're still young. we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up.
104.
i should've called you out. i should've said your name. i should've turned around. i should've looked again.
105.
maybe this is sad but true baby, maybe you've got nothing to lose. you could be the best of me, when i'm the worst for you.
106.
memory can change the shape of a room, it can change the color of a car & memories can be distorted. they're just an interpretation, they're not a record & they're irrelevant if you have the facts.
107.
it is so hard to leave, until you leave. & then it's the easiest goddamned thing in the world. just cult all your strings, because leaving only feels good if you leave something important behind. it's so exhilarating that once you leave, you know that you can never go back.
108.
the stars lean down to kiss you, & i lie awake i miss you. pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. cause i'll doze off safe & soundly, but i'll miss your arms around me. i'd send a postcard to you dear, cause i wish you were here.
109.
sometimes you just have to turn your back & walk away, whether you're walking out on your friends, or the love of your life. sometimes letting go & moving on is the hardest thing to do, but the best thing in the end.
110.
that's the problem with us. we're both stubborn asses & always want to get our way. we both hate to be wrong & love to be right. but that's the thing about love. no matter what happens, we always come back for each other, one more time.
| | |
| 001.
i hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. i hope that the world turns, & that things get better. but what i hope most of all is that you understand what i mean when i tell you that, even though i do not know you, & even though i may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, i love you. with al my heart, i love you.
002.
i'll never feel adequate enough. it's like i'm chasing a dream of what i want to be. every picture, every touch, every memory makes me jealous of what others are & what i could be.
003.
you knew in five minutes, but i knew in a sentence. so why do we go through all of this again? your eyes are fluttering. a moth, flying into the same old flame again. it never ends. it takes fighting day & night to make such a good thing die.
004.
the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, & starts to hurt. still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. but how do you know when you are there? because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting go hurts even worse.
005.
& i've had friends for whom loneliness was an unfulfillable, consuming monster. an ever expanding void the size of the universe. & i know first hand how it can feel, when you're torn wide open, those scars still bleeding. it's somewhere i once hoped i'd never have to go back to, but sometimes you have to. so we have learned too.
006.
i try but you see, it's hard to explain. i say the right things, but act the wrong way. i like it right here, but i cannot stay.
007.
i always thought you were on my side. all you could see were the unattractive parts of me. you wanted out, wanted to be free. & then came the distance; it's as if two years were like an instant. suddenly i wasn't worth the wait. i don't think i can take much more of this, but i can't let it end. because who would i be without the one who taught me how to pretend?
008.
she said it was to fucking die for & she realized she was dead the next day. it's another case of being careful what you wish for. the best kisses always have anger behind them. it's not really love unless it leaves a bruise.
009.
happiness is just outside my window. will it crash, blowing at 80 miles an hour? or is happiness a little more like knocking on your door, & you just let it in? happiness feels a lot like sorrow. let it be, you can't make it come or go happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard. happiness was never mine to hold.
010.
when you are friendly, they call you condescending. when you solve a problem, they call you arrogant. when you occasionally fail, they call you overly ambitious. when you are kind, they call you a liar. when you are truthful, they call you naive. when you are innocent, they call you guilty. when you ask people to listen, they call you selfish & vain. the list goes on & on & on & on. but what's worst of all, is not what they call you; but what you really are.
011.
i can stop anytime i want to. famous last words that came back to haunt you.
012.
i do understand the impulse. the impulse to put your hand out & want someone to be there at the end of your reach. to want someone to be close to. to want to kiss or touch even if it's wrong. the point is you can't control these feelings. even if they're wrong, they're there. they're always there.
013.
i wanted to mean everything to you, but this isn't right. you keep coming back disassembled & i keep losing this fight.
014.
yeah, i know everyone's living in the past. but instead of forgetting her, you're always kissing her ass. i know that there's not much to say, so i'll look stupid anyway. you don't talk to anyone, you won't look at anyone but her. & i don't think she's listening but you still play that game.
015.
if you cannot bear the silence & the darkness, do not go there; if you dislike black night & yawning chasms, never make them your profession. if you fear the sound of water hurrying through crevices toward unknown & mysterious destinations, do not consider it. seek out the sunshine. it is a simple prescription. avoid the darkness. it is a simple prescription, but you will not follow it. you will turn immediately to darkness. you will be drawn to it by cords of fear of longing. you will imagine that you are tired of the sunlight; the waters that unnerve you will tug in the ancient recesses of your mind the midnight will seem restful - you will end by going down.
016.
to love. to be loved. to never forget your own insignificance. to never get used to the unspeakable violence & the vulgar disparity of life around you. to seek joy in the saddest places. to pursue beauty to its lair. to never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. to respect strength, never power. above all, to watch. to try & understand. to never look away. & never, never, to forget.
017.
grown-ups love figures. when you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask any questions about essential matters. they never say to you, "what does his voice sound like? what games does he love best? does he collect butterflies?" instead, they demand: "how old is he? how many brothers has he? how much does he weigh? how much money does his father make?" only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.
018.
i don't like you but i love you. it seems that i'm always thinking of you. you treat me badly, but i love you madly. i don't want you but i need you. don't wanna kiss you but i need to.
019.
these are things that i don't understand: how infinite is space, & who decides your fate. why everything will dissolve into sand. how to avoid defeat, when truth & fiction meet. why nothing ever turns out the way you plan.
020.
i've been drinking all these tears so long. all i've got left is the taste of salt in my mouth.
021.
i don't know means no. i don't know means i'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because i can't deal with confrontation. i don't know means please do the dirty work for me because i don't want to hurt your feelings even more than i already have.
022.
i learned that no matter how much you care, some people will never understand. i've learned that it takes years to build up trust & it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it. i've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think. i've learned that the people you care for most in life are taken away from you too soon.
023.
stop talking about love. every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. it means nothing. it still doesn't mean anything. what you feel only matters to you. it's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. it's the only thing that counts.
024.
i miss you sitting next to me. i miss you falling asleep. i miss carrying you to bed. i miss looking at the ceiling & listening to you breathing. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.
025.
the excitement is in the chase to catch your gaze. it's like a bird within the hand. it began so nice, but now i'm trapped inside. it seems this cage for me must be your plan. your mean tricks, like the wetness of your lips, when you say "just put your heart here in my hand."
026.
lying is bad. or so we are told constantly from birth. honestly is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, i chopped down the cherry tree. whatever. the fact is, lying is a necessity. we lie to ourselves because the truth... the truth fucking hurts.
027.
i don't have a fear of commitment. i have a fear of abandonment. we all screw things up, i screw things up. especially with the people i love. i get needy, i get moody, i get distant, i want to be too close. i get confused, i don't understand all of it. but i keep pushing because i hope in this thing; the universe. there's no way i'm the only bad person out there who wants something this bad. if i want it someone else out there must too.
028.
we are sometimes right to look on the black side of life. there's those days. the ones where you're happy but you know it won't last. & then it crashes. you crash. & fall. & it is not because you looked on the black side of life, it is just because. & we know our own pessimistic outlook on life should have been a warning, & we should have been prepared, but we weren't. we weren't & we never will be. & then the cycle starts again.
029.
we say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. we say we love trees, yet we cut them down. & some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.
030.
like everybody in this damn story, she underestimated the depth of shit she was in.
031.
everything that needs to happen, will happen, in the time that it takes to happen, the way it was meant to happen. you need to trust in that.
032.
the more you think about it, the more power you give it. remember what happened. but know that you cannot move forward while looking backwards.
033.
maybe i'll share my life with somebody.. maybe not. but the truth is, when i think back to my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.
034.
& no, i can't figure out what the fuck i'm still doing here. so many places i can be. i'm just killing time yeah, before it kills me.
035.
i know he's not perfect, but he tries so hard for me. & i thank god that he isn't, cause how boring would that be? it's the little imperfections, it's the sudden change in plans. when he misreads the directions, & we're lost but holding hands. yeah, i live for little moments like that. when he steals my heart again & doesn't even know it. yeah, i live for little moments like that.
036.
i'm not going to sit here & like & list all the many ways about how i will supposedly love you till the end of days. because i think that we both know in twenty-eight & a half years' time, that i won't be yours & you probably won't be mine.
037.
you should stay away from roses & be careful to avoid chocolate hearts. keep distant from romantic notions cause that's where love most often starts.
038.
relationships are a lot like yard sales; they look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but then you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
039.
but those days have passed & these types of relationships never last. so please don't pretend that we'll stay friends. because you know as well as i do that that.. well that just, it never happens.
040.
you thought that this was what it seemed. fate doesn't care about you or your plans. you never knew life was a rubber band. the harder that you pull, the more it snaps back.
041.
why am i fighting to live, if i'm just living to fight. why am i trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight. why am i trying to give, when no one gives me a try. why am i dying to live, if i'm just living to die? someone please tell me why.
042.
the right mixture of caring & not caring - i suppose that's what love is.
043.
i wanted all things to seem to make some sense, so we could all be happy, yes, instead of tense. & i made up lies, so they all fit nice, & i made this sad world a paradise.
044.
but it's like my heart can't be tamed & i fall in love everyday. i feel like a fool. i have to face the truth that no one could ever look at me like you do, like i'm something worth holding onto.
045.
there's always a moment when you start to fall out of love, whether it's with a person or an idea or a cause. even if it's one you only narrate to yourself years after the event: a tiny thing, a wrong word, a false note. which means that things can never be quite the same again.
046.
did i do anything wrong today he said, or has the world always been like this & i've been too wrapped up in myself to notice?
047.
this is my face, i've got a thousand opinions & not the time to explain. & this is my body, & no matter how you try & disable it, i'll still be here. & this, is my mind, & although you try to infringe you cannot confine. & this, is my brain, & even if you try & hold me back there's nothing that you can gain.
048.
i'm like a paper cup with a pin prick, you can fill me up but i'll only stay full for a while. & wisdom's only shown me that my loneliness is all my fault. you say you understand me well but i don't get you at all. it seems everyone around me is so good at faking it that i don't know just how to act around you. i'm like a paper bag but the bottoms wet. it must be something bleeding internally inside. i didn't know the things that you never did could stay with you your whole life.
049.
it always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. it hurts so much. when i feel someone is going to leave me, i have a tendency to break up first before i get to hear the whole thing. here it is. one more, one less. another wasted love story. i really love this one. when i think that it's over, that i'll never see him again like this.. well yes, i'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend & girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less & less until we forget each other completely. almost. always the same for me. break up, breakdown. drunk up, fool around. meet one guy, then another, fuck around. forget the one & only. then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere & after two years of loneliness meet a new love & sweat it is the one, until that one is gone as well. there's a moment in life where you can't recover anymore from another break-up. & even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. & even if he wakes you up everyday by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.
050.
she says that one of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend that you care about them more than you really do.
051.
you're desperate in finding something else to please you. you've been searching your whole life for something to mute, change, or just distract you. something to put inside you to give you the illusion of life, cause you've always been barely alive.
052.
there's something deeply wrong with me if i'm so attracted to someone who can't have a relationship, someone who can't love me, who can't even love himself. i've learned at this point there's no shot i can receive, no pill i can take, no therapy i can be a part of that will give me the resolve to do things i need to do to be loved. it's a choice. a simple choice. i say i want intimacy. i say i want to be loved. but really, i'm petrified. the straight truth is, i don't know if i have it in me, & i'm scared to find out that i don't.
053.
as soon as you start to have romantic feelings for someone, you're fucked. you & this person are going to hurt one another. even if you are together for the rest of your life, you're going to feel indescribable pain. when you're in, no matter how deep, you're in.
054.
i've been thinking about those things you said. i've been thinking about those things we did. i've been thinking about those things you do. i've been thinking about those things you made me do too.
055.
can i stay in bed for a few more hours? can i wait for the sun to wake up, too? can i go back to sleep & dream & dream or nothing but me & you?
056.
it's far too hard so stay awake, it's far too early to be out of bed. let me return to the blankets & sleep, so i can keep dreams of you in my head.
057.
i am learning how to be lost completely. i want to be found, be craved like the things we push away. these patterns cut every day. i need you to reach, i need you to need me.
058.
you blew through me like bullet holes - left stains on my sheets & stains on my soul.
059.
because sometimes there is no easy way out. you just have to grin & bear it. sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself & bite your lip. sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much & no matter how good it once was, the memories can't sustain you. you have to safe yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. because you can't keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return.
060.
each day i wondered what would happen next. what would happen when you would stop wanting. when you would stop being happy with me. i knew i would mess things up by growing bored. i had done that once before.
061.
you are the last drink i never should have drank. you are the body hidden in the trunk. you are the habit i can't seem to kick. you are my secrets on the front page every week. you are the car i never should have bought. you are the train i never should have caught. you are the cut that makes me hid my face. you are the party that makes me feel my age. like a car crash i can see but i just can't avoid. like a plane i've been told i never should board. like a film that's so bad but i've gotta stay till the end. let me tell you now, it's lucky for you that we even met.
062.
if we felt this from the start things would probably be the same. if we felt this all along what would it change?
063.
i know you never meant to do everything you put me through. it's okay, i forgive you. just know when you see me cringe sometimes, i'm trying to rid the poison from my mind.
064.
you look like you did before, only prettier everyday, i love you more.
065.
so if i pray am i just sending words into outer space?
066.
you shut your mouth, how can you say i go about things the wrong way? i am human & i need to be loved, just like everybody else does.
067.
what a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real.
068.
i hope you find out what you want; i already know what i am. & if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again & you can tell me how vile i already know i am.
069.
take me out tonight. i want to see people & i want to see lights.
070.
my heartbeat beats me senselessly. why's everything got to be so intense with me? i'm trying to handle all this unpredictability.
071.
well she was just 18, you know what i mean. & the way she looked was way beyond compare.
072.
there were things i wanted to tell him but i knew they would hurt him so i buried them & let them hurt me.
073.
well it seems to me you're acting a little off, is something on your mind? maybe somethings' on your conscience.
074.
but listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness. like a heartbeat, it drives you mad.
075.
this mess becomes beneath us now. we cannot sweat this poison out. it's in my skin & in my mouth. when i sing, these lies come out.
076.
please don't believe me, i don't want to let you down. & i'm convinced it only rains in New York & i'm surrounded by everything that really scares me, a room full of people regretting every time that they inhaled.
077.
this is your warning. your first sign. pay attention to the flags. they're the first tinges of regret that will take you back again & again.
078.
i see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. my honest opinion & my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both.
079.
this is not going to make me happy. i can see where this is headed. i am going to be broken & left alone, like last time. like every time. i need to get over me. i need to get over you. i need to get out to get back in. i can't. i can't give up. i need to though. save myself. but maybe, for now we can pretend. & i can try.
080.
& that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. they think everyone else does too.
081.
i don't think that i like you anymore. well, i found new feelings at the feeling store, & i can't find you at our kissing place. i'm scared of those new pair of eyes you have.
082.
don't feel stupid for missing him, even if he treated you like shit. you still had happy memories, & you're always going to miss them. don't try to replace him, cause you won't. just get through each day, & eventually it will get better. i promise. eventually someone will come into your life, & whether or not you realize it, they are going to be something special to you. so don't throw yourself at every guy you see, trying to replace him, or at lest dull the memories, because you're only going to make yourself see how hard he is to replace. someone better will eventually come along.
083.
goodbye friendship & a life i once knew. hello heartache, the second meeting came too soon.
084.
no more phone calls, don't tell me that you miss our talks. quit saying sorry, cause sorry doesn't say enough. wasn't i good enough for you?
085.
but you are what you love & not what loves you back. that's why i'm here on your doorstep, pleading for you to take me back.
086.
nothing is ever the same, i can't stand it. want to be myself, but i am somebody else.
087.
your love's a gathered storm i chased across the sky. a moment in your arms became the reason why. & you're still the only light that fills the emptiness. the only one i need until my dying breath. & i would give everything just to feel your open arms. & i'm not sure i believe anything i feel.
088.
i need someone who can deal with me. i need a guy who will make me see things from a different point of view. i need a guy who will make me talk about the things that scare me. i need a guy who will make me open up to him, a guy who won't give up on me.
089.
if i had all this time on my hands, well i would love to share it with you. & though our days have made other plans, there is nothing i'd rather do than sit & talk with you, my beautiful view.
090.
so many times it seemed like there were chances to stop things before they started. or even stop them in midstream. but it was even worse when you knew at that very moment that there was still time to save yourself, & yet you couldn't even budge.
091.
we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warming us about wasted time, heard damn poets urging us to seize the day. still sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. until we finally understand ourselves.
092.
i drove too far in the wrong direction, forgot a map & a compass, & today i wonder if i meant to forget to turn.
093.
& i've cried & you would think i would be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps & stays in your spine for the rest of your life. i've learned & you'd think i'd be something more now but it just goes to show it is not what you know, it's what you're thinking at the time.
094.
i am waiting for something to go wrong. i am waiting for familiar results. i am waiting for another repeat, another diet fed by crippling defeat. & i am waiting for that sense of relief. i am waiting for you to flee the scene as if you held in your hand the smoking gun & on the floor lay the one you said you loved.
095.
i walk awhile before i sleep, count the secrets that i keep. i hope for more, i know for sure. i fall apart before i weep. i disconnect the telephone, cause i can choose to be alone. i'll get more done, i'll have some fun, pretend you're not the only one.
096.
so many times i turned my back on the moment because i thought the moment was with you.
097.
when you're growing up, a lot of your choices are motivated by fear. it's like the wrong move & the world's going to end. maybe that's what it is, maybe it's about taking a deep breath & forgiving yourself for yesterday's mistakes.
098.
as soon as you start to have romantic feelings for someone, you're fucked. you & this person are going to hurt one another. even if you are together for the rest of your life, you're going to feel indescribable pain. when you're in, no matter how deep, you're in.
099.
everything that needs to happen, will happen, in the time that it takes to happen, the way it was meant to happen. you need to rust in that.
100.
when all our time spent away, we remember the loves of our past.. or just the love never lasts. can you tell me why this life goes so fast?
101.
you are not boring or vain or simple or mean. you're colorful, complex, & have a beauty that's all your own. & for the record, you are infinitely nicer tan they give you credit for.
102.
we have voices & stories & plans & dreams & ideas. we have hope. we will wake up tomorrow to a day that has never been known. we are living a life that has never been lived. we are here for a reason. we exist to love & to be loved. life comes back. things do change. storms do pass.
103.
we live in a crazy world, & if you want to get through it with your body & soul even a little bit intact, you might as well be crazy yourself. it couldn't hurt. & it just might help.
104.
i've been wandering around, making up movies in my head. so we say don't let it go, let me try & pull out pride. i already forgot how i used to feel about you.
105.
i used to believe in a lot more. now, i just see straight ahead. that's not to say i don't have good times. but as for my days, i spend them waiting.
106.
i saw you walking by today. your hair was longer & you might have been a little taller. but it was still you, & you still smiled at me, & i still couldn't speak.
107.
you only love him because you fear he's the only one that will ever love you.
108.
i said: why? did i do something wrong? is there something wrong? is there someone else? when did you stop loving me? in what precise moment? in what room? what city?
109.
we almost had it right, but the puzzle pieces misaligned. you've been talking in your sleep, but you never mentioned me.
110.
once in a while i get tired of this lifestyle. running around with barely any time to think. once in a while i just want to call you up, just have a day of fun. once in a while i start to dial your number, but then i remember that it's not my place.
111.
sometimes i think we were changing, but then i realize we're only becoming more of the people we were meant to be.
112.
fate. it's what people invent to explain what they can't understand. if you think someone is the one, you tell yourself it was meant to happen. & if it breaks your heart, you tell yourself it wasn't meant to be. i've spent ten years trying to find a man who knows where i am in a room the moment he steps inside, without having to look. but that hasn't happened. i can admit the truth to myself - that i've got lousy luck at finding love - or i can tell myself that i haven't crosses paths with my soul mate yet. it's almost easier to be a victim than a failure.
113.
they came to sit & dangle their feet off the edge of the world & after a while they forgot everything but the good & true things they would do someday.
114.
when i met you i was just a kid. hadn't built up my defenses, so i gave my heart completely. vaseline over the lenses. memories don't go away. i remember every day.
115.
& all i see, it could never make me happy. & all my sand castles spend their time collapsing. let me know that you hear me. let me know your touch. let me know that you love me, & let that be enough.
116.
& i think that i'm justified because i've seen what trying has done for those who've tried. | | |
| 001.
love kills slowly. decide whether it's worth it before you give it all up.
002.
& the problem is, you still see me as who i was not who i am now.
003.
so many times i turned my back on the moment because i thought the moment was with you. so maybe one day you'll realize why you shouldn't have ignored me that night. she used to talk about you like you were the sun on a summer day. now she talks about you like you were hitler in past life.
004.
you get to her. you make her cry late at night. you make her scream at the top of her lungs. you make her second guess everything you say. but she's not about to admit it to you. her pride is too strong. but really, would it matter anyways?
005.
i'm sorry i ever tried. i was a fool to have hope in you.
006.
we both know life is short. too short to waste one single second with anyone who doesn't appreciate & value you.
007.
i've been running around for the past year with absolutely no direction. i didn't know what i wanted. all i knew was that you were always there, always in my head, always under my skin.
008.
the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. you know when sad tries to bit it's lip & not cry & smile & say, "no, i'm happy for you"? that's when it's really sad.
009.
you walk around like you're okay. maybe you're not, at least not today. the sun's not shining, but there's no rain. this feeling of missing you is driving me insane.
010.
i love the way you look at me when i say something stupid. it's like you're about to get mad, but then all of a sudden you smile.
011.
why is it that all of the things that should hold us together - love, sex, creativity, talent, dreams - those are the very elements that drive us apart? & the things you would think would separate us - hate, fear, meanness - those are the very things that bind us together & keep us from growing, keep us from changing.
012.
you're not worth putting myself in these situations. so why do i put myself in these situations?
013.
why i love you is a hard question. i love you because you care for me like no one else does. i love the way i feel in your arms, so safe from all the dangers. i love your eyes, so hypnotic & mesmerizing, so beautiful to gaze into, & yet never revealing everything to me. i can't explain every way i love you because that's just impossible. but i can say i love you because you are you.
014.
you will never know how many times i've laid in my bed all night just thinking about how much you mean to me.
015.
i spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we're wrong for each other, wondering whether we've got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. but in the 24th hour, i realize i've been thinking about you for 23 hours. there's something about you i can't stay away from. something about you, that makes me want to love you.
016.
you fell in love with someone because of the tilt of his smile, or because he could make you laugh, or in this case, because he made you believe you were the only one who could save him.
017.
did i really love, or was i addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable. & just like that i untied myself, & i was free. but there was nothing exquisite about it.
018.
i know what it does to you, i know. maybe that's why we hold on as hard as we do. we just can't believe that such a miracle can happen to us twice. but it can, someday you'll find it again.
019.
you don't need to know that up until i met him, my life's goal was self-preservation. & that when i met him, self-preservation was genuinely lonely.
020.
it's over, look out below. i'm wasted, i still taste it. yeah it's so hard to let go.
021.
i start to think there really is no cure for depression: that happiness is an ongoing battle & i wonder if it isn't one i have to fight for as long as i live. i wonder if it's worth it.
022.
i'm still here because i've got nothing else to do. you're an asshole but i'm getting used to you.
023.
"what caused you this pain in your heart?", she asked. "my eyes. i had them closed for so long & when i finally opened them, i wasn't ready for what they saw.", he replied.
024.
if someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of it when it's relevant. seriously, just punch them in the face & go get some ice cream.
025.
magic wishes come from money, prince charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut & overpriced clothes. & true love? ha, true love is one-sided, ace. you love her, she loves someone else. she loves you, you love someone else. never quite works out does it? so you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. "if you wish, it'll happen." well, wish in one hand & crap in the other hand & see which one fills up faster. welcome to reality. enjoy your stay.
026.
you're not my favorite mistake. you're just a simple regret. i thought i knew who you were, but watch how fast & watch how well i forget.
027.
cancel the thing that i said i'd do, i don't feel comfortable talking to you.
028.
at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing, where we all keep our distance & pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. so we pick & choose who we want to remain close to, & once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. & sure, sometimes close can be too close. but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
029.
if we could just be immobile for some time & finally figure out the way we feel about the missing puzzle pieces & cloudy question marks. it still looks a bit surreal. oh, i tend to disappear here & there. so concentrate & you'll feel me everywhere. & we'll fill the metro skies with country air. if you're lost, when you close your eyes, i'll meet you there.
030.
some things can never be explained, like how our skies remain the same. & i wonder how the sky would look without my star. sleep seems a dream away & a year too late. words that can't be spoken stream out of my face & i want to be selfish, i want to be selfish, you're my everything.
031.
how many train wrecks do we need to see before we lose touch? & we thought this was low. well it's bad, getting worse. where'd all the good people go? i've been changing channels & i don't se them on t.v. shows.
032.
nobody's gonna do the things i did. nobody's gonna kiss the way i kissed. nobody's gonna love you like i did. nobody's gonna be the fool for you. nobody's gonna go through what i went through. nobody's gonna love you like i used to. you'll miss you, yeah you will.
033.
some lies last a lifetime. they keep our diaries hidden. they don't let the whispers slip between the cracks of the bathroom stalls, or be written on the bathroom walls.
034.
i keep playing your part but it's not my scene. want this plot to twist, i've had enough mystery.
035.
i'm trying, i need more time. you've gone, i'm just sitting here. don't say anything at all. i've got a thousand words for not missing you. don't worry, i'm not going to call. i tell myself i'll forget you. i know that's not true.
036.
words don't contain subtlety. tact eludes speech, even in whispers. pieces of my broken thoughts mumble through my teeth. you'll learn i can't keep myself straight.
037.
what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up & you're okay?
038.
this is not who i'm meant to be; this is not how i'm mean to feel. i don't think i am strong enough to do this much longer. oh god, i wish i was stronger.
039.
i want to fall in love with the sweetest guy ever & i want it to be you. but we all know that's not who you are, or who you'll ever be.
040.
i guess the best part of being with you is that you don't judge me. i can wake up in the morning, hair a mess, no make-up on & you still tell me i'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
041.
i was never great with words, so i'll do my best. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. i love talking to you because your voice makes me smile. i think i'm falling in love with you.
042.
sometimes i feel that i'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much.
043.
& sometimes, when a person means that much to you; not even the truth can change your mind.
044.
for the first time in a while, when she walked in, you could see from the look in her eyes & the smile on her face, that she was gonna be okay.
045.
i'm messy & sarcastic & jealous & vain & i'm standing here asking you to love me for all i am.
046.
love is not about staying with someone because you don't wanna get hurt. it's about staying because you're happy & there's no other place you would rather be.
047.
i need you & you don't know how hard that is for me to accept. but it's a whole hell of a lot easier than trying to imagine my life without you.
048.
she thought i was impossible. but she loved me anyway, which is the best kind of love there is.
049.
maybe we're too young & i don't even know what's real. but i know i've never wanted anything so bad. i've never wanted anyone so bad.
050.
& i wish i was strong enough to breathe without you in my life.
051.
anything worth having is worth fighting for. if you really want this thing to work, we gotta go to war.
052.
& now every time someone ruffles your hair or asks you to dance, every time the full moon is out, & every time the sun paints the sky, he'll be all that's on your mind.
053.
but there's something in me that just keeps going on. i think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, & that everything can change when it comes.
054.
i chronicled the days you made me want to live. memorized the way that it felt, & then i turned it into this kiss. tonight i'm wearing my best smile, & hope to make me worth your while. i'll be the best mistake you'll ever make. from the lack of sleep & the bloodshot eyes, to the nervous kiss & the butterflies. does this make any sense at all?
055.
i do understand the impulse. the impulse to put your hand out & want someone to be there at the end of your reach. to want someone to be close to. to want to kiss or touch or even if it's wrong. the point is you can't control these feelings. even if they're wrong, they're there. they're always there.
056.
we've got all night just to make it all right. would you take a walk with me? i'll give you all i've got, just spare me your time & i promise you won't want to leave.
057.
i love it when people say that they have given up on love. & it's always because they think love has hurt them when in actuality, it was the person, it was a thing, a wrong decision, a bad mistake, an accident. so don't let go of love, hold on because i promise you it's always worth your while.
058.
life flies by, so you have to embrace it. forget the past, cause you cannot erase it. so live the dream, & learn to chase it. & when you can almost taste it, it's all come alive.
059.
the night stars here. forget your name, forget your fear. you drop a coin into the sea, & shout out "please come back to me."
060.
we bring ourselves down & build ourselves up with disappointment. how fragile we are, we just hope we don't show it.
061.
lost inside my head, empty side of the bed. i feel this place without you. i keep pushing the bruise. cause i don't want to lose what i loved about you.
062.
you could ink yourself until everyone knows all the things you love. you could wear uniforms that gave you all the authority in the world. lose weight until there was nothing left. paint the face. suck in your gut. but in the dark, stripped down to your bones, all that remains is you.
063.
i never know what to do with my love. i never know what to do with my hands. so i put them behind my back, i put them behind my back.
064.
& i wonder, if everything could ever feel this real forever. if anything could ever be this good again.
065.
would you rest with me just for awhile? i'll take you out of harms way. like these branches that shelter the rain. we can lay here in our own shade.
066.
think of how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.
067.
lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they're in each other all along.
068.
spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. there's always some reason to feel not good enough. & it's hard at the end of the day. i need some distraction, oh a beautiful release. memory seeps from my veins. let me be empty, oh & weightless. & maybe i'll find some peace tonight.
069.
it's a state of bliss, you think that you're dreaming. it's the happiness inside that you're feeling. it's so beautiful it makes you want to cry.
070.
this burning heart is getting old. & while sitting on this cold kitchen floor, head down to the hide the tears, i've realized, i've finally realized that you were never meant for me.
071.
so it seems i'm right back where i said i'd never be again. i'm starving for your eyes & starving for anything that's yours. & swearing that this year will be different. & swearing that this year i won't need you anymore. we fall like shooting stars & autumn leaves, stay up later than the streetlight, promising what never could be.
072.
i cashed in all my chips tonight, & combed my hair to look just right. cause i've been thinking about you & me, & we got something going on. you told me you can't wait to see me, & then you didn't bother to even show up. this whole situation is incredibly typical, i should've seen it all along. it's boys like you that make me think i'm better off home on a saturday night with all my doors locked up tight. i won't be thinking about you, baby.
073.
i saw your face in a crowded place. & i don't know what to do, cause i'll never be with you.
074.
it's true what they say about fools who speak too soon, they don't ever really know what they're getting into or out of. you're on your way, the taste of blood from a bitten tongue. you're in need of some new teeth that won't cave in.
075.
there is a condition worse than blindness, & that is seeing something that isn't there.
076.
don't you hate hearing that clock on the wall chiming, saying it's time. & don't you just wish we could stay here together all day long. you know it wouldn't be a crime if we crawled back in the bed, got as close as we could get.
077.
if you hear this wherever you are, just know i need you here. i need you near me now. you were brighter than the pale white moon, reflected in your eyes. so i guess it's no surprise i can't forget you, no matter what i do.
078.
try to understand i'm trying to make a move to stay in the game. i try to stay awake & remember my name. but everybody's changing & i don't feel the same.
079.
you've made a lasting impression, i hope you know. but don't take it personally when i tell you, you need to leave. you need to go & just get out of my head, out of my heart. because as far as i'm concerned you're the only one who's ever been there, the only one who's stayed & ever will be staying. no matter how hard i try, i can't deny this - you've always had my heart, even when you didn't want it, or when i didn't want you to have it. it's been yours, & always will be. take it or leave it.
080.
what makes them walk away, after all these years? these years of learning in the hard way by the lessons from the tears. i know it's not a game, but it feels like losing when someone you love throws you away.
081.
somehow i wasn't meant to have you then, not even for a day. i tore my heart & skin out thinking about you, suffered through a life lived without you, hoping you'd come back when it was time.
082.
i've been dying to know if you ever think about a better way you could've ended this. if you ever think of me. i guess it hurts the most to see the way you live, when i think about the life i could've given you.
083.
my mind says yes, but my heart says no. & my mind says walk, but my feet won't go.
084.
it would be so much easier in the long run to push you out of my life. to move forward, never looking back at you. to pretend like the last four years never happened & that you are just a stranger. it would be so much easier in the long run, but it might kill me first.
085.
if the words are in your heart, they should come out of your mouth.
086.
she says, "this isn't easy, i know." loving the hands that you're not supposed to hold. & i'll pray for the days that i won't sleep alone. she says, "this isn't easy, i know."
087.
moving on is hard to do, hard on me as it was on you. i should have called, i should have done so many things i didn't do. if only you knew.
088.
what is family? they were the people who claimed you. in good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. it wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. we had many families over time. our family of origin, the family we created, as well as the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. none of them were perfect, & we couldn't expect them to be. you couldn't make any one person your world. the trick was to take what each could give you & build a world from it.
089.
in city bars & empty cars, it's 3am, i wonder where you are. & the crooked smiles, & the worn out miles between us, & i wonder where you are.
090.
it's never easy to understand why memories hold our hand but people let go.
091.
you know what i think hurts the most? the feeling of being replaced. it's like no matter what you did, it wasn't enough. & no matter what you do to try & capture their heart again, doesn't seem to work. & you're suddenly left thinking that you'll never be enough. & a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.
092.
my life will always be beautiful but i must express. i must write & take pictures & let out my thoughts. i can't live completely in my head.
093.
remember the face of the girl who had made you her own. & how you left her alone.
094.
not television love with it's glare & hollow & sequined light. not sex & allure, all high shoes & high drama, everything both too small & in too much excess. but just love. love like rain, like the smell of a tangerine. like a surprise found in your pocket. we were all a part of that.
095.
my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didn't write & in the songs i didn't sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. there is a double-edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows.
096.
he showed me that you can find the good in anybody if you just give them a chance, benefit of the doubt. sometimes people disappoint you, sometimes they surprise you, but you never really get to know them until you listen to what's in their heart.
097.
some emotions don't make a lot of noise. it's hard to hear pride. caring is real faint like a heartbeat & pure love, why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
098.
sensitive people are so vulnerable; the more sensitive you are, the more certain you are to be brutalized, develop scabs. never evolve. never allow yourself to feel anything because you always feel too much.
099.
walk me down the street. sit me on your front porch swing & sing me something sweet until i fall asleep. you'll drive till you crash. you always seem to want to go so fucking fast that nothing ever lasts, & you just end up sleeping with the past.
100.
have you ever seen the face, you know the one i'm talking about. have you ever been to that place, you know the one i'm not supposed to say. holding on for something, have you ever held on? holding on for someone feels like holding on too long.
| | |
| 001.
& baby when it's love, if it's not rough it isn't fun.
002.
we drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, & pray too seldom. we have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. we talk too much, love too seldom, & hate too often. we've learned how to make a living but not a life. we've added years to life, not life to years.
003.
the difference between how you look & how you see yourself is enough to kill most people. & maybe the reason vampires don't die is because they can never see themselves in photographs or mirrors.
004.
i'll write you a letter tomorrow. tonight, i can't hold a pen. someone's got a stamp that i can borrow. i promise not to blow the address again.
005.
alone here. alone there. i'm alone everywhere. say goodbye, i won't cry.
006.
the problem with guys is that they make you believe they love you when they really don't. the problem with girls is that they make you believe they don't love you when they really do.
007.
eventually something you love is going to be taken away. & then you will fall to the floor crying. & then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you're falling to the floor crying thinking, "i am falling to the floor crying," but there's an element of the ridiculous to it - you knew it would happen, & even worse, while you're on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor & you realize you didn't paint it very well.
008.
i wish time would progress & we could just look back & say this wasn't such a mess.
009.
there's no past tense in loving someone. it's either you always will or you never did.
010.
only a weak person needed someone else around all the time.
011.
i think about the meaning of pain. pain is personal. it really belongs to the one feeling it. probably the only thing that is your own.
012.
if we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.
013.
looking back, i have this to regret, that too often when i loved, i did not say so.
014.
it's amazing to me you're married
~ i know.
you're not only someone's girlfriend, you're someone's wife~
~ pretty crazy huh?
i'll never understand that. what's different now? how could things change so quickly?
~ i don't know. it just happened.
what happened?! that's what i don't get.
~ i woke up one day & i knew. i knew i could promise him i'd feel the same way every morning. in a way that i.. i never could with you.
you know what sucks? realizing that everything you believe in is complete bullshit.
~ what is?
destiny, soul-mates, true love. all of that stuff. it's nothing more than silly childhood fairy tale nonsense, isn't it?
015.
what would have happened if i went to the movies instead? if i went somewhere else for lunch? if i showed up to eat then minutes later? it was meant to be, just like you said. & as it was happening i knew it. i could feel it, sure as the sun. & i kept thinking to myself holy shit. tom was right. you were right about all of it. it just wasn't me you were right about.
016.
i don't want the past to reflect in today, the skeleton's closet is where it should stay. so let's escape all that's behind me, before the pile of bones finds some way to find me.
017.
keep looking up. there's nothing on the ground but your feet.
018.
time caught up with us & broke us apart, because now you found someone else. but that's not what bothers me. what bothers me is that you left me & that i left you, with words unspoken & a story unread. words that are still trying to escape my heart & reach out to you, words that don't notice that time has past; words that still have meaning. what bothers me is that you didn't see the tears i cried & you didn't know that i lied when i told you i was happy. what bothers me is that you still cross my mind a million times a day & even when i'm sleeping. i can still hear your voice telling me how much you love me or how much you miss me & that's the only time i'm ever happy. it's when i'm reminiscing about you & dreaming about us. but when reality hits me, it just kills me. but the thing that bothers me the most is that all of this could have been prevented if i had just said something or done something, & the only thing that doesn't bother me is that i've learned a valuable lesson; you don't really know what you have until it's gone.
019.
after you say your final goodbye, an ending is just an ending. you don't always get the closure you want. sometimes you wish you could've sat & cried a little bit longer. you wish that you savored the last moment that you clung to something that once meant so much. people let you down & sometimes you don't get sent off the way you wanted to. you realize that leaving something that wasn't perfect will never be perfect, either. nothing is ever perfect, but there is no word more absolute than goodbye.
020.
i could feel the wanting catch up with me. but if i have to want it, it's not really happening is it? it's just more wishing that's all. i wish i didn't wish so much.
021.
she's going out to forget they were together. all that time he was taking her for granted. she wants to see if there's more than he gave she's looking for. he calls her up trippin' on the phone now. he doesn't want her out there & alone now. he's knows she's movin' it, knows she's usin' it, now he's losin' it. she don't care.
022.
time was passing like a hand waving from a train i wanted to be on. i hope you never think about anything as much as i think about you.
023.
yeah but even when you're here you're gone. i miss the old you, & i know lately i haven't been the easiest person to be around, but can we just rewind, restart, relove?
024.
i had burned every bridge that ever led me to you. so here i am, & the moon isn't shining nearly as bright as it should be. i can barely hear you anymore.
025.
i'm in a war with head vs. heart, & it's always this way. my head is weak, my heart always speaks befor ei know what it will say.
026.
even now i can feel your hair blow across my cheek as we sit in one of two chairs. even now i can feel your face resting on my chest, wrestling for sleep & failing at it. even now i can see you sleep, i can see you dream, i can see you fly. & i always can find you again.
027.
when you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part. you roll outta bed & down on your knees, & for a moment you can hardly breathe.
028.
i guess i just got hurt, really hurt. & sometimes, when that happens, something inside just shuts off.
029.
i think it's time i let you go. & that's so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. but the daydreaming, the running in place, it's not healthy. so this is me, cutting the cord. this is me doing what i should have done months ago: saying goodbye.
030.
there are certain things in life that are better left unknown. things you wish you never asked, never heard, & sometimes never felt.
031.
& even though we know we shouldn't love them, we do & always will because there are just a small number of people in this world who will "get" us for reasons we can't explain, even when they shouldn't.
032.
it was him not fighting for me. i gave him the ultimatum & he let me walk away. i didn't want a life separate from him, & that's all he could give me. it's like he is driving a car & i just want to be in the passenger seat. he's locked the door & i have to hold onto the bumper. i am not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked & say come in, but he didn't do that. so i am hanging on the bumper & life goes on & the car goes on, & i get really badly bruised & i'm hitting potholes. & it hurts. it really hurts. so yesterday i had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much.
033.
the saddest thing i ever did see was a woodpecker pecking on a plastic tree. he looks at me &, "friend," says he, "life ain't as sweet as it used to be."
034.
you got under her skin & in her system. you're like the drug she hates but can't stop taking. the thing she loves the most but you're killing her slowly.
035.
it hurts to ay goodbye to a person that you almost gave your life to, knowing that life without them won't be the same. but it's better to give up the feeling rather than fight, knowing that you're the only one fighting.
036.
being in love was like china: you knew it was there, & no doubt it was very interesting, & some people went there, but i never would. i'd spend all my life without ever going to china, but it wouldn't matter, because there was all the rest of the world to visit.
037.
love is never lost. if not reciprocated, it will flow back & soften & purify the heart.
038.
when a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, & the wise already have on in reserve.
039.
when two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign they they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
040.
he who has never experienced hurt, cannot experience true love.
041.
if it hurts, it isn't love.
042.
heaven has no rage like a love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
043.
it's hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
044.
i would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
045.
you know, after my dad died, everybody told me that i was gonna be okay. that it would take a little time, but i would heal. well, that didn't ever happen; not really anyway. what you're feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away - not completely. it's not like you know you're gonna go back to being the person you were before they died - the person's gone. it's more like something inside of you breaks & you find a way to compensate for it. like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. & sure, you might resist for a while because you're pissed off that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. eventually your body takes over & figures it out for you. & you're glad, because if it were up to you.. you'd look at your broken hand forever & try to figure out what it was like before.
046.
here's a simplification of everything we're going through: you plus me is bad news. but you're a lovely creation & i like to think that i am too. but my friends say i look better without you.
047.
imagine the worst things you think about yourself. now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses the as reasons not to be with you?
048.
i ask myself why, & in that same breath, as i watch you, i get my answer. it's everything about you; it's that teasing smile, that warm scent. it's the curve of your arms, the tousle of your hair, the ring of your voice. it's just everything about you. but more than that, it's everything about me. it's everything about the way you make me laugh, cry, smile & hurt. it's everything about the way you make me feel. & that's everything that i cannot, & would not want to let go of.
049.
everyone is lying to you. it's not going to be okay. it's going to be terrible. how naive are you? what are you, a disney princes? even worse, you're a disney animal. you've got big eyes & you talk even though you shouldn't.
050.
close my eyes & count to ten. i wish that you were here again.
051.
what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up & you're okay?
052.
words don't contain subtlety. tact eludes speech, even in whispers. pieces of my broken thoughts mumble through my teeth. you'll learn i can't keep myself straight.
053.
call me crazy, but i still believe very much in untainted, unchanging, everlasting love. despite the heartbreak & the disappointment that follows each mismatch. i've never failed to pick myself right back up to dive into yet another dream. it's just i've seen rainbows without the rain, i've felt the ground shake as i prayed, i've witnessed light shine from darkness, so i've concluded that true love must be out there waiting for us.
054.
life doesn't give you the people you want. it gives you the people you need. to help you. to hurt you. to love you. to leave you. & to make into the person you were meant to be.
055.
what we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognized. what we call random is just patterns we can't decipher. what we can't understand we call nonsense. what we can't read we call gibberish. there is no free will. there are no variables. there is only inevitable.
056.
i want a boy; just some skin & some rough hands, some whispered words & harsh breathing. i want to laugh at you & cry for you & miss you so much it aches & wrap myself around you. i want to feel the weight of you, to hear the sirens, to run until my breath gives out, i want to smash things & remake them with blood on my hands. i could stand in the rain until i'm saturated with you, until the water stings my eyes the way your words do. we could fingerprint out dreams, you could play me a lullaby full of discordant harmonics i want to fall asleep to.
057.
you have to learn to walk, you have to learn to talk. you have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you. you have no say in the matter. & when you get a little older, even though you get to choose your hats, you don't get to choose what they put in those meatballs in the cafeteria, or when to fall in love. sometimes things happen & you just have to deal.
058.
life takes your dream & turns them upside down; people talk about you when you're not around. people make promises they just can't keep, & i've come to realize that talk is cheap. too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone; too often we wait too long to say "i'm sorry, i was wrong." sometimes it seems we hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts, we allow foolish things to tear our lives apart.
059.
doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. it follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. all the pain & the fear & the crap. maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. it's what pushes us. maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.
060.
forgetting isn't enough. you can paddle away from the memories & think they are gone, but they will keep floating back again & again. they circle you like sharks & you are bleeding your fear into the sea. until, unless, something, someone, can do more than just cover the wound.
061.
to every girl who gossiped about me in corners of the parties, to those who were my slap in the face, to the close minded or misunderstanding, to those boys that broke my heart, & to those friends who turned out to be backstabbers. you all challenged me to become the person i wanted to be. i am stronger because of all the stupid things you put me through. no matter how much you have done to me, you have unknowingly done so much more for me. so, thanks.
062.
usually when i was alone in the house during the evening, i had to turn on every single light, but i didn't care that night. so what if a hand came out from under the bed & grabbed me? that would be nothing. they say that certain things are going to be terrible & that they are going to destroy you, but they don't. i sat on the side of the bed. it was as if my soul had been frozen, & i waited for it to thaw, in order to get on with my life.
063.
these are the things that i could not tell you; things that remind me of you when i want nothing more to forget; things that have gone wrong; things that have gone right; things that will never happen; things that are your fault, my fault, the faults of no one; these are the things that we did not do & will not let go of.
064.
my nerves have been shaking twenty-four seven & i've stopped trying to calm them. nothing, & i mean nothing seems right anymore. each day gets more dreadful & each day i wish i wasn't here just a little more than the day before. i've been back in a corner for days & no one will pull me out. being alone really does feel as awful as it sounds. between the arguments & the tears, i can't hear my own thoughts anymore. i have no clue of what i want, what i need, what i should have. i miss being able to count on you.
065.
i knew there were no guarantees. some things don't last forever, but some things do. like a good song, or a book, or a good memory you can't take out & unfold in your darkest times. pressing down the corners & peering in close. hoping you still recognize the person you see there.
066.
i know that we won't ever really be close again, & that hurts more than you know. but all i can really ask for right now, is for you to be a decent person. maybe even a decent friend. because i need something, anything. i just need some ounce of hope that things will look up again for us, that we haven't lost anything. because right now all i have are memories, which hurt to remember, knowing i won't ever have them back. i wonder if you know how much this hurts for me, to go each day without you, to see you not care. & there are days, just moments, when i think that maybe this day will be different, & maybe thing are turning around, but those are just moments that fade away quickly. & i know that in the long run, i know that you'll never be here. you will never be here for me again. & that hurts, because no matter what, i have, & will always be there for you.
067.
i am just so sick & tired of this. i want to be alright without you. i want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you. without wondering why it is you don't care at all anymore. i just am so sick & tired of needing you in my life knowing that you only made me sad.
068.
that night we talked, we talked about life, about our times together. maybe we weren't the same two kids we once were, but some things never change. some things last, & even though i didn't know what was going to happen to us or where we were going, i just knew i couldn't let you out of my life.
069.
the truth is i don't hate you. i can never hate you. i'm not on a crusade to hate you. i guess i just want to find reasons to not like you. to make you seem like a horrible person. so i can just be mad at you & forget about you. cause honestly, it would just make all of this so much easier.
070.
the hardest thing ever is taking chances. because you can only take so much pain. & you can only get hurt so many times before you create a bubble around yourself to avoid anymore scars. & then you end up never really living at all. so we deal with pain. we take chances & we take risks, because either way we're going to lose, & it's going to hurt.
071.
poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic & common sense. that's what it was like for me. i didn't plan on falling in love with you, & i doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. but once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. we fell in love, despite our differences, & once we did, something rare & beautiful was created. for me, love like that has happened only once, & that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. i'll never forget a single moment of it.
072.
i wish my words were enough but they aren't. i wish my smile was enough but it's not. i wish the things i did were enough but they never were. & i wish on every star & every flame just before it's gone. every penny down a well & every time it's 11:11.
073.
we will always want something more than what we've got. but face it, whatever happens, happens. & whatever we're given, we need to hold onto that with all of our might. because that's it. that's what we were given, what we've been trusted in to keep, to treasure, to take care of & to love with all of our hearts. we need to appreciate every little thing we've got because, well, it's all we've got. it's okay to dream, but first you need to treasure reality in all its beauty.
074.
whenever you leave something you loved so much that meant the entire world to you, there comes a long process in reaction to it. you're thrusted into something that feels like somewhere you've never been before. but it's the exact same place you've been in. sometimes your heart needs a long restart to realize how it feels to be off your sleeve, & back in your own chest.
075.
you can't resist him. he's in your bones. he is your marrow & your ride home. you can't avoid him, he's in the air, in between molecules of oxygen & carbon dioxide. only in dream, i see what it means, reach out a hand, hold tight to his. but when we wake it's all been erased, & so it seems only in dreams.
076.
i want somebody to sleep with for the rest of my life & cuddle up with during a movie on the couch. stay up all night talking about nothing. get lost in the woods together. challenge me, challenge him. talk about dream, make dreams. have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you're having them. someone i can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes & not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. a guy who will bring me flowers once in a while, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. something he saw that made him think of me, made him think "this might make my girl smile" as he smiles to himself. a guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he's got.
077.
contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. it's for the bold. it's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. it's for those knowing a good thing when they see it. even if they don't see it nearly enough.
078.
the beautiful thing about memories is that they are yours; whether they are good, bad, or indifferent. they belong to you, & no matter where life takes you, your memories tie you to where you've been, & to where you are now.
079.
& then the rain fell onto our eyelashes. we close our eyes on that tuesday night & held our hands together, but nothing ever happened & never will. you're as human as me. i'm as flawless as you. perfect is a word made up by a fool. you can't count on page to erase all your doubt. a few dollars won't make that broken heart any better. a flower can't heal time, but the truth can take lies from their pedestal & push them to the floor. you can't prove you'll miss me if you don't stay. a picture's worth a thousand words, but your love is much more. we can say "one day" all we want.
080.
i will miss you, but you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. people just need to change the way they look at things.
081.
yes, i know we said a lot of things that we probably didn't mean. but it's not too late to take them back. so, before you say you're gonna go, i should probably let you know.. that i never knew what i had. i never knew what i had.
082.
i saw you walking down the street, for a second, we were eye to eye. there was a flicker of familiarity as we passed each other by. there was a time i knew you well, but that was a long time ago. you don't know me anymore.
083.
i'm trying, i need more time. you've gone, i'm just sitting here. don't say anything at all. i've got a thousand words for not missing you. don't worry, i'm not going to call. i tell myself i'll forget you. i know that's not true.
084.
no one here to believe but you. everyone else is bound to leave you. when they swear their love is real, they mean i like the way you make me feel.
085.
i used to know this boy who took notes in a book, but he ripped out all the pages before i got a look at all the words he scribbled, at all the lines he filled, but the ink stains on his fingers told me he was skilled a capturing a feeling that most of us just miss; the simple pain of living with goodbyes on our lips.
086.
& can you live with what you know about yourself? when you're all alone, behind closed doors, the things we never said but we always knew were right there. it's got me on my knees in a bathroom, praying to a god i don't even believe in. dear jesus, are you listening? if this is the one chance that really matters, don't let me fuck this up.
087.
beautiful things come out of horrible situations, i know for a fact. out of sadness you get a newfound wisdom on how the world can look with a haze of gray clouds, how people can be senseless, how you can see the whole universe in a whole new way. & that maybe hard to handle, hard to cope, hard to accept. but it's so damn beautiful, if you really take the chance to realize. out of anger, you can feel your heart beat race, with every beat, it is shaking your whole being & not only the heavy steps you take. it is when you, your whole self & some power is telling you that you are alive. & that is amazing in every angle. out of anything there is something in there that makes it incredible. something that makes it shine. whatever you feel is potent & it is such a blessing to be able to feel what you feel. you just have to think about it.
088.
how could we lose sight of what matters most? trying to love what cannot love us back. all we have is not worth living for, if we do not know when to let go.
089.
there are two basic motivating forces; fear & love. when we are afraid, we pull back from life. when we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, & acceptance. we need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory & our imperfections. if we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or out potential to create. evolution & all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness & open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.
090.
i don't understand why you're not here with me. & i don't even wanna know where else you'd be.
091.
i won't get used to this, i won't get used to being gone, & going back won't feel the same.
092.
when i hear beautiful music, it's always from another time. old friends i never visit, i remember what they're like. standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies, waiting to be asked to come inside, just come inside.
093.
all the things left undiscovered. leave me empty & left to wonder. i need you.
094.
& i know it's tough to reconsider what you thought was love.
095.
you used to talk to me like i was the only one around. you used to lean on me like the only other choice was falling down. you used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go, nice & slow to no place in particular. we used to have this figured out, we used to breathe without a doubt. when nights were clear, you were the first star that i'd see. we used to have this under control, we never thought we used to know, at least there's you & at least there's me. can we get this back? can we get this back, to how it used to be? i used to reach for you when i got lose along the way. i used to listen, you always had the just right thing to say. i used to follow you, never really cared where we would go, fast or slow anywhere at all.
096.
so this is my apology to you. i hope you know i love you. lets put back together the world we built between us.
097.
there's nothing left to say, but so much left that i don't know.
098.
some things never get better. none of us know why we love. or why we stop loving. or why everyone we love, we lose.
099.
is it a crime when you love someone so much that you can't stand the thought of them changing? is it a crime when you love someone so much that you can't see clearly?
100.
sometimes i find myself running from love. i want to push anyone away who tries. because honestly, i'd feel horrible if anyone had to deal with the fucked up mess i am. to be with me would be a chore. maybe at first they wouldn't see it, maybe they wouldn't want to. but i am nothing great, i am no prodigy of humanity. i'm just a fucked up girl with a lot of heart, no direction, & barely any stability. so for anyone who wants to try, i'll deny you & deny you again until you finally cease. i'm saving you a tremendous burden. trust me. 'please, don't love me' is all you'll hear from me. i'm better off alone. i've been so good at it, how could i stop now? 'please don't love me' i'm really telling you to never leave me alone.
101.
so what happens when you lose control, when the future has to start? what happens when you're still in love, but time rips you apart? is there ever an answer, for when love is not enough? when the world must move on, who decided that i'd be that tough?
102.
my wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to. you dreams stay big, your worries stay small. you never have to carry more than you can hold. & while you're out there getting where you're getting to; i hope you know somebody loves you, & wants the same things too.
103.
i missed what i was supposed to learn as all i learned about was missing you.
104.
if there was anything there, it's gone now. & i don't think it's ever coming back.
105.
you didn't write, you didn't call. it didn't cross your mind at all. through the waves, waves of hay & straw, you couldn't feel a thing at all.
106.
& this will be the last time we'll be friends again. i'll get over you, & you'll wonder who i am. & there's this burning like there's always been. i've never been so alone.
107.
see, sorrow gets too heavy, & joy it tends to hold you with the fear that it eventually departs. & the truth is, i've been dreaming of some tired tranquil place where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones.
108.
i always thought we'd make it through anything & i still kind of believe it. yea, i have a new boyfriend & you have found someone else too. but i still have this feeling deep inside of me that some way, somehow, we're going to end up together.
109.
i wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. when your whole life breaks down. that's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.
110.
you know i'm not one to jump to conclusions, but i feel like this is goodbye for the last time. every way that i view this, the arrows all point to the scene of the last crime. & i can't breathe. these words i cannot say are choking me tonight. & i don't know who i'm supposed to make this right. do you care that i'm alive?
111.
i guess it's because i can't help but to remember everything. i mean you see somebody & you think about all they've ever said & done the good & the bad it all comes back to you, & it feels so right & hurts so bad all at once.
112.
when i woke up, i wasn't sure how long i'd been asleep, hours or just minutes. my mouth was dry, my arm cramped from where i'd been lying on it. as i rolled over, stretching out, my only thought was to go back to the dream i'd been having, which i couldn't remember, other than it had been good, in that distant, hopeful way unreal things can be.
113.
i have questions that i never got the chance to ask: do you look like you did back then? would it make a difference anyway? do you think of me, when you least expect it- when you're unwrapping a garden hose or titling your face to the shower or making love to someone else? & can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories? if i had been the one to leave, would you have written out your heart to me?
114.
though you say i could be your answer, nothing lasts forever no matter how it feels today.
115.
& i'm sorry about the phone call & needing you. some decisions you don't make. i guess it's just like breathing & not wanting to, there are some things you can't fake
116.
so go do what you like. make sure you do it wise. you may find out that your self doubt means nothing was ever there. you can't go forcing something if it's just not right.
117.
if you've ever had one of those times when you've clutched a pen or something else in your hand for a long time, only to look down & be surprised that you are still holding it long after your need for it had passed, you'll understand sometimes wet go so used to holding that we forget to let go.
118.
do you know what happens when you hurt people? when you hurt people, they begin to love you less. that's what careless words do. they make people love you a little less.
119.
there you see her, sitting there across the way; she doesn't have a lot to say, but there's something about her.
120.
loving things like you has left me bruised, black & blue. loving things like you has made me so confused. & i can't figure out what i've been waiting on. god, i can't be living for things i know are wrong.
121.
driving home the sky accelerates. the clouds all form geometric shapes. it goes fast, you think of the past & suddenly everything has changed.
122.
as you drift further into the past, my memory of you fractures & splinters until all i can clearly remember is not a picture, but a feeling.
123.
too often going after what feels good means letting of what you know is right. & letting someone in means abandoning the walls you took so long to build. of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming; when we don't have time to come up with a strategy, pick a side, or measure the potential loss. when that happens, when the battle chooses us & not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice becomes more than we can bear.
124.
i lay there upon my blankets, & in the still of the darkness, i picture you & wonder where you are, what you're doing right now, & wishing whatever it is, i could be a part of it. & in a matter of seconds, just as quickly as the thought came, the silence breaks as i begin to cry.
125.
the boy saw the comet, & he felt as though his life had meaning. & when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. it was more than just a comet because of what is brought to his life.. direction, beauty, meaning. there were many who couldn't understand & sometimes he walked among them. but even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, & his world would be whole again. & his belief in god, & love, & art, would be reawakened in his heart.
126.
everything inside you know that there's more than what you've heard; there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words. & you're on fire when he's near you.
127.
we drive tonight, & you are by my side. we're talking about our lives like we've known each other forever. time flies by with the sound of your voice. it's close to paradise with the end surely near, & if i could only stop the car, i would hold you & never let go.
128.
yesterday was a terrible day. but now that you're here, i'm okay. you don't know how much i need you. please don't ever let go.
129.
don't forget about the blue sky, sunrise & all the space between. it's amazing how a guy like you could affect a girl like me. & all the pictures, memories & all the times we had. do you think that some things are better left unsaid? & we'd stay inside just to watch the time go by, & sleep the whole day till the night, with everything you said. i'm sure you've got some place that you'd probably rather be. i hope you're singing this song & thinking about me.
130.
who knows, maybe i loved you too deep inside, but i had enough strength to let that hide. & now the distance takes you farther away each day. i wish i had the strength to ask you to stay.
131.
immobilized by the thought of you. paralyzed by the sight of you. hypnotized by the words you say.
132.
there's a time & place for everything. there's a reason why certain people meet. there's a destination for everyone. what's the explanation when we're done? all the summer nights spent wondering. so many questions asked, but no one's answering. would it be okay if i left today? took my chances on what you said was wrong.
133.
if you're calling about my heart, it's still yours. i should have listened to it a little more. then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where i belong.
134.
don't tell me you're not gonna try. the tension's building in my mind. i wanna scream & i know why.
135.
i'll smile, you'll wave. we'll pretend it's okay.
136.
i have had a significant bowl of writer's block for breakfast this morning. for three days straight, i couldn't stop the thoughts humming in my head. but now, now i am completely clueless. my mind completely vacant.
137.
maybe if i had held on tight to that balloon string instead of letting it go in the air, i wouldn't be here right now. but here i am, biting my bottom lip, exhaling smoke, staring at the sky, & looking for you.
138.
a beautiful & blinding morning, the world outside begins to breathe. so keep me awake to memorize you. give me more time to feel this way. we can't stay like this forever but i can have you next to me today. if i could make these moments endless, if i could stop the winds of change, if we just keep our eyes wide open, then everything would stay the same.
139.
don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. loneliness is the human condition. no one is ever going to fill that space. the best you can do is know yourself.. know what you want.
140.
i'm a very independent girl, & sometimes people think i'm weird because of it. but that doesn't bother me. just because i'm not afraid to stand up for what i believe in, even when everyone else is sitting down, that's no reason to follow the crowd. because maybe, just maybe, i'll make someone's life better because i wasn't afraid.
141.
that night i started to think about belief. maybe it's not even advisable to be an optimist. maybe pessimism is something we have to apply daily, like moisturizer, otherwise how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system, & love does not, as promised, conquer all? is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive?
142.
i clutch my chest because i can't breathe. i don't want you to move on without me.
143.
your face is angry at me & the world. you feel you've wasted some years & yourself. it didn't work for me either, but there are always good thing to look back on. think of how many cups of coffee we drank together.
144.
somewhere in the middle of everyone hating everyone, & copying each other for attention, & trying to make something pretty just go get laid, we actually said something to each other. we are all lonely & scared. we all have problems, big ones. we all love someone way too fucking much. let's talk about it.
145.
i won't burn out, i'll just burn up. & don't get yourself confused, you just weren't meant to fly. you better get a hold of your dream or you'll chase them your whole life. at least that's what they tell me, but i doubt i'll ever find enough stars to fill these vacant skies.
146.
& you taught me what this feels like, & then how it feels to lose it. & you showed me who i wanted, & then who i wasn't. & you ticked every box, & then drew a line. & you weren't mine to begin with, & then not to end with. & you looked like everything i wanted, & then became everything i hated. & you get thought of every day, & then not in a good way. & you let me leave, & then wish i'd stayed.
147.
learn from your past. mistakes, errors in judgement, flaws you failed to see. learn from every experience. what has torn you up & about, don't let it happen again. don't make the same mistake twice, don't ignore the signs. just follow your mind & not your heart, & learn from what life throws at you.
148.
one day, you're going to wake up, & wonder what happened. you're going to wonder where i went, & why you didn't tell me to stay. & that day, you'll know exactly what you want. & you'll wonder why you never went for it before. too bad, that will be the day it's too late.
149.
do you miss him at the most happy & fulfilling times of your life? just because you miss him when the world is quiet & you feel alone doesn't mean you love him. you will miss anyone when you're lonely. it's when your life is going great & you still feel that ache in your heart because he isn't there to see the genuine smile on your face & happiness in your life.
150.
i never realized how quickly you would go from being someone i loved to someone i used to know
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